I hate change. Change terrifies me and reduces me to the kid who was afraid of bedtime approaching in case she was the only one in the house who couldn't fall asleep.

Change is alright when there's nothing to lose. Then you just steel yourself for the unknown that's coming, and every little friendly approach and thoughtful gesture makes you feel welcome.

But change when everything else is going down the drain feels like you're the only person left in the world and there's nothing familiar to hold on to. Wouldn't it be nice if with every change, you could bring along someone from your old situation? That's why losing a person is the worst change, because that steady part of your life is suddenly gone and no other challenge seems worth braving through.

I am quite afraid. And I'm tired of feeding into this melodrama like it's reality. But it's hard to change who I am.

What a different world it would be, if when we looked at someone, we could see right through them, and see all their goodness radiating outwards. To forget the bad and be captivated by the wonderful.

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It never really goes away. You just suppress it, push it to the back of your mind, and accept its presence like a shadow in your mind. Then one day, you wake up and find something new. And realize that without you noticing, you were letting go all along.

Sound of Silence

It's quite a shame that the harder you try to get someone's attention, the less likely you will get it. Or to put it differently, the more you crave a person's attention, the more difficult it is for you to ever feel fulfilled by anything they have to offer.

Which is why, I find myself at my most charming and effervescent when there is the least expectations of the company I'm with. When in a sense, I don't really care if they do take an interest in what I say, or laugh at my jokes. Ironically, that is when people find me interesting.

And then you compare it with the person you're dying to get a response from. With every word you try so hard to entertain with, it seems to fall on awkward silence or forced amusement. But the moment you stop trying or caring what they think, that's when they're drawn to you.

It seems like in order to be myself, I have to stop placing any significance upon the other person's response. I've to stop caring, full stop. Isn't that just like listening to myself speak?

By swardraws on Flickr

Finally, everyone's let down their hair a bit. At least, enough for a bunch of us to head out to chill at night, like we used to do in Year 1. I'd forgotten how much fun hanging out could be, and with the guys chugging down the alcohol, all the dirty secrets and hopeful ambitions come bubbling out. Exams and dental school can really be the pits, but it makes you treasure the rare night out so much more.

4 budding class couples this year! Looks like matchmakers society is on to seal the deal for some of those romances desperately in need of guidance.

To create good art, one usually needs to be in the throes of some sort of emotion. Then, the feelings just pour into the medium and translate into some form. Otherwise, inspiration is hard to come by.

Breathe.. on Flickr © Victor Oliveira

Party week in KL flew by like all good fun days do. Was hit by super homesickness on Monday night, when I realized I've no close buddies to hang with and hall's freaking lonely when you don't bother to make friends. Started experimenting with getting Lian-ee to drive me to school and taking the bus home and I believe this arrangement will work well when I have no more use for hall.

Certain other things have gotten a little more complicated. But complication is much preferred to finality. Before, the missing ache was all I could think about. Now all I have to worry about is being a good Christian, school, dance, having fun and not worrying. It is amazing how free I feel knowing that it's still there. Happiness should never be taken for granted.

It's funny how when you pray really hard for something to happen, God doesn't grant it to you right away. When you've forgotten about it, or in the split second you're not looking, it happens. And by then, you can't remember why you wanted it so much.

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My current loves:
1) My hot pink Crocs slippers
2) My cute Nokia themes
3) Make-up
4) New seasons of all my fave TV shows
5) Naps (This is an all time favourite, actually)

Whee!

It's that time again. The annual project Chriselle, Jamie & I work on. Since Chriselle's leaving soon for Glasgow, it's been condensed fun and activities. Fortunately it coincides with my study break, less fortunate for my studies. Bubble tea, piano sing-a-longs and karaoke. The life.

My 2nd concert item got scraped, much to the cast's dismay. So have been working extra hard on my one puny item left and I really hope it turns out well because this year I managed to sell 34 tickets! That's like my whole world watching me on Friday and Saturday night. Too bad my closest buddies couldn't be here. Considering that I'm going to retire soon, or at least slow down. To focus on school.

Mad rush of life finally gave me a breather this morning. Woke up after 8am for the first time in ages. Sadly, one night of undisturbed sleep cannot save me from the bundle of wrinkles and eyebags I've turned into. Gr.